Fan d'electronica, de click & cut d'IDM etc

Citation : Les années 80 non plus. Faut croire que les gens aiment bien s'enfermer dans un groupe de mots !

Citation : De plus dans l'absolu moins il y a des exemplaires mieux c'est (ou voir plus haut).

Citation :  
Ouaip peut-être, mais au sein de "l'intelligentsia indus" il existe une espece de tradition qui veut que l'on retrouve des tonnes de productions inaudibles (doux pléonasme) à des prix incroyablement scandaleux. Payer un groupe qui te passe des samples de la seconde guerre, derriere des murs de bruits blancs sur des paroles inaudibles pour 300€, c'est vraiment pas mon truc.

Citation : THE UNSPOKEN RULES OF THE DARK-ELECTRO-POST-INDUSTRO-NOISE "SCENE"

PART ONE: HOW TO BE A PRETENTIOUS ASS AND/OR A FUCKING FAGGOT (and thereby ensure that everyone will pay three digit prices for your records on ebay)

1) be a one-man band with a sideproject.
for the experts: release a CD every six months, each under a different name.

2) be incosistent with formats.
for the experts: every release should come in a different size of vinyl. i.e. start with a 10", then a quadruple 7", then an LP with accompanying acetate, then a 10"+12", etc.

3) limit each release to an arbitrary number of copies, i.e. 391, 472, 128, etc.
for the experts: make the first 10 or 15 copies a "special edition" that weighs at least 20 pounds

4) always make sure your editions are small enough so that they sell out before they're sent to the pressing plant.
for the experts: don't tell anyone your band exists until your first LP, double acetate, and quadruple 7" have been sold to collectors.

5) use SS and related symbols even though your best friends and most rabid fans are jewish.
for the experts: pretend you know something about the klan, even though you're european

6) give your band a stupid name, i.e. a meaningless combination of unpleasant sounding syllables. if you wish to use actual words in your band name, make sure you're not german, then give your band a german name. remember, this rule applies to all of your sideprojects as well.
for the experts: don't write your band's name anywhere on your releases. just put a bunch of runes on the cover.

7) make sure everyone refers to you as a "powerelectronics" outfit for no good
reason.
for the experts: even though your instrumentation consists of a keyboard, a violin, a jew's harp, and your girlfriend, cover your fliers and advertisements with skulls, fascist symbols, scenes of war, and other violent/masculine things.

Cool collaborate with anyone and everyone you've ever heard of, insist it's just you two "having fun in the studio", then release it as a high-priced limited edition.
for the experts: in interviews, mention that you're friends with boyd rice.

9) tell everyone your office was raided.
for the experts: become a stooge for the FBI

10) wrap your releases in pieces of an old potato sack on which you have stenciled a picture, and say they "come in a gorgeously embossed textured fabric with one-of-a-kind silkscreens by [insert your sister's name here]"
for the experts: include either a sprig of wheat, or an alpine flower. BY ALL MEANS, make sure anyone who buys all of your releases has to sell all their furniture first so that they have room to store them


YOU'RE ALL GUILTY

PART TWO: HOW TO CONDUCT INTERVIEWS (in such a manner that everyone will know to pay three digit prices for your records on ebay)

1) first and foremost, only give interviews in publications that
a) appear to be created on expensive software by a graduate student at a graphic arts college
b) are published no more than once a year
c) refer to everything as "art", including black metal, which they pretentiously claim they know something about.
d) feature interviews with at least three other buttmunches whose releases go
for three digit prices on ebay.
for the experts: appear only in publications that have been around ten years but are only up to issue #2, are published in hardcover for 20 or 30 dollars, and are compiled by people who do absolutely nothing but publish such things

2) do not consent to be interviewed by anyone who will not write a ridiculously
bombastic introduction, refer to your releases as if they were monumental
moments in history, and thoroughly lick your ass in every way during the
conduction of the interview.
for the experts: rather than saying "thanks" or anything like that for the
verbal blowjob you're receiving, expand upon the interviewer's comments. expect everyone to believe that you're really a unique, creative, intelligent person, rather than a scam artist on welfare.

3) do not give more than one interview every two years. if there is more than one member in your outfit, let only one member be interviewed, and let him use the word "we" as if you all think and feel exactly the same way about everything.
for the experts: instead of being interviewed, submit a communique or manifesto for publication

now that you've established the proper criteria regarding when to grant interviews, here are the rules governing what you should talk about:

4) mention at least ten completely useless people from arbitrary walks of life (former lounge singers, your roommate, etc.) with whom you are planning to "go into the studio with." spend at least half of the interview describing
a) how you were listening to or watching something featuring each of these people, how you were then reminded of something you've always been obsessed with, and how you realized you had to "go into the studio with" them
b) how a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend (make sure one of these friends is either boyd rice or adam parfrey) introduced the two of you
c) how this other person was obsessed with the idea of "going into the studio with" you too
d) how thrilled you were when it finally happened, and how great a person they were
e) how you only wanted to do this to satisfy your own personal obsession
f) how interested the world serpent label was in pressing the fruits of this studio encounter onto four limited edition miniCDs, each with the same song
alongside a different remix of another song.
for the experts: talk about how you were walking out of the subway one day in some european city, when you bumped into some old guy who had a really special talent (i.e. he can yodel really darn well), so you decided that you had to collaborate with him

5) talk about how you don't plan on releasing any more stuff for the next few years at least, because you've "taken things as far as they can go". of course
this is a lie, as plans for your next double 10" picture disc in silkscreened burlap and gauze with rose petals with accompanying honey-laced acetate with etched b-side are well under way
for the experts: announce that you're changing the name of your "project" so that "something new" may be "reborn" from the "ashes" and take you in "new directions" (there is no need to actually make your new recordings sound any different from the old)

6) if you're european, talk about the nearest castle, and how much "history" you have in your area. if you're american, talk about your recent trip to europe (don't give an interview unless you've had a recent trip to europe) and all the castles you visited while you were there.
for the experts: pretend that your ancestors were once lords in the very castle you are describing, rather than the turnip farmers they obviously were.

7) discuss your philosophy of life, no matter what the question is. there are two tacks you can take, either:
a) speak in completely vague terms, as if you possess some sort of esoteric knowledge... despite being, unlike crowley, completely devoid of a sense of humor. repeatedly use words like "essence" and "transcends", without regard for the grammatical atrocities you are undoubtedly committing. refer to people as sheep who are unable to understand the gravity and all-encompassing
profundity of the truths that are manifested in your image and your expertly nuanced and sculpted releases.
or
b) relate everything to pop culture. talk about famous people and how they're emblematic of the world's present character, how the USA resembles ancient rome, and all sorts of other stupid things that only you could come up with. use the words "society" and "decay" in every sentence, at least once each. insist that the only things that matter to you in your life at this time are your upcoming collaboration with so-and-so and several of so-and-so's friends the first tack is the more commonly chosen among europeans who wish to cover up
their clumsiness with the english language. the second tack is usually chosen by americans, who watch too much god damned television.
for the experts: talk about world war one and world war two as if they were the same war, regurgitate communist slogans in languages other than your own while pretending that they're nationalist slogans.

Cool use the letter "k" in place of any other hard consonants.
for the experts: "ov"... "thee"... no more needs to be said.

9) when asked about live performances, mention that three years ago you were "engaged" in "activities" related to your "participation" in a "festival" (located in france, germany, or a benelux country). speak in vague terms. be ambiguous about whether you were pleased or displeased with the event.
for the experts: publish excerpts from your tour diary. for example, "with the help of some friends at the FBI, we were able to tour amerika! after performing, we were sure to protect ourselves in a huddle of FBI agents so that no american could approach us and laugh at us for being underfed europeans."

and finally...

10) all your promotional photographs will be blurry, even if they're just shots of you on a streetcorner rather than the work of a drunken amateur in a smoke-filled, badly-lit venue. but not to worry, as this is expected of you. you've spent far too much time silkscreening your record covers, coming up with names for your 25 sideprojects, and walking to your mailbox to pick up your welfare check to mess around learning how to focus a camera lens.
for the experts: no photos. each band member will be represented by a symbol. if it was good enough for prince, it's good enough for you.


ALL OF YOU, GUILTY AS SIN

PART THREE: HOW TO WRITE REVIEWS OF, AND/OR PUBLISH A CATALOG FULL
OF, RECORDS
(that will soon sell for three digit prices on ebay)

[thanks to christopher hill for raw materials and legal processing]

[thanks to karen thomas for memory jogging]

1) always use reviewer language, and nothing but. reviewer language
is an
interesting dialect of english that only exists in written form-- no
one
actually speaks reviewer language. yet the majority of "underground"
publications, and at least 99% of such publications made in america,
are written
entirely in reviewer language. you probably already know this
language from
hours of perusing "scene" material; if you don't, study a copy of
"worm gear"
'zine for a few minutes, and you'll quickly get the hang of it. at
its core is
an emphasis on unnecessary adjectives, convoluted syntax, and the
consistent use
of flowery or downright stupid jargon. for instance, CDs are always
"sheathed",
"wrapped", or "encased" in their covers. they are not albums, but
rather
"collections" of "recordings" or "experiments" (if it's some
neoclassical
two-note keyboard faggotry, they're "compositions"). another example
of the
proper use of jargon and silly adjectives:
english: "this CD has 11 tracks and is the band's third release"
reviewer: "this disc provides 11 cuts and is the third offering from
this
intriguing entity"
for the experts: you are undoubtedly the sort of pretentious ass who
thinks
they know about all types of music, even metal. so you will need to
study
reviewer language as it pertains to other genres. as a start,
remember this:
when describing a metal band, always use the phrases "vocal stylings"
and
"guitar work," even though they don't make sense and sound gay.

2) never, under any circumstances, describe the music. everything is
some form
of "electronics" or "sonics," that is all the reader needs to know.
of course,
you may still put your thesaurus to use with descriptive phrases such
as "dark
sonics", "delicate electronics", "rich sonics", etc., as long as you
remain
sufficiently uninformative. the layers of sound may "collide",
"erupt",
"sweep", or "drift." make liberal use of the words "organic" and
"textures,"
and occasionally insert the phrase "interspersed with electronic
bloops and
bleeps." in your catalog, there will undoubtedly be some shitty
releases next
to the good ones (if you have any good ones in there), so ambiguity is
important-- each item you offer for sale should appear to be of equal
value,
else you will be left with a warehouse full of malignant records CDs.
for the experts: treat these different "sonics" and "electronics" as
concrete
objects or living beings in order to expand the descriptive
possibilities. this
allows for "oppressive electronics," "rampant sonics," "creeping
sonics", "dying
electronics," "bleeding electronics," "eroding electronics,"
"corroding
electronics," "hostile, palpitating electronics," "oceanic
electronics,"
"bloodthirsty sonics," "embryonic electronics," etc. etc. ad nauseam.
find the
most uninteresting releases in your catalog and put "recommended!"
next to them.

3) describe every wimpy, uninspired release in bombastic terms... it
is a
"harsh, unrelenting assault" of "mayhemic electronics" (or, for a
metal band, a
"blasting progression of mind-altering riffs"). wallow in masochistic
fantasies, tell everyone how you feel like you've been ass-raped and
"pummeled"
repeatedly by the "brutal, insensitive sonic attack" until you
collapsed in a
whimpering heap, unable to move, save to press the "repeat" button.
if the
release is so wimpy that you can't bring yourself to describe it in
such a way,
talk about how it brought you "to the depths of despair" and had you
reaching
for sharp objects with which to slit your wrists and "end it all."
for the experts: anything involving a keyboard, or released in europe,
is "power
electronics" (you will always write the phrase as two separate words,
and if
you're really an assmunch, you'll capitalize them).

4) pretend you know about black metal (which you faggily refer to as
"BM"...
just as you faggily refer to "PE"). this is absolutely essential
these days.
buy a few CDs at the mall... most of them will be gay and not really
black metal
at all, but the band members' makeup will appeal to you, and you'll
praise these
bandwagon-hoppers ecstatically for putting out some of the "best black
metal" in
the world. you might also accidentally pick up a few good CDs from
established
bands... these you will call "unoriginal" and you'll suggest that
"these guys,
whoever they are" could take a few lessons from some of the queers you
praised
"elsewhere in these pages."
for the experts: learn about black metal from scott candey

5) in your world, bands always "travel" down a "path", and that path
must
"progress" towards "originality." if the CD (er, i mean disc) doesn't
utilize
some fruity instrument you've never heard of before, it's not
"innovative"
enough. however, if it is some obscene hybrid style of music (i.e.
ethno-techno-rap-metal-ambient-neo-classical-core-jazz-noise-folk with
funk
influences and polka-tinged martial beats), you will beseech your
readers to
"have an open mind," and strongly imply that only intelligent,
"adventurous,"
musically ingenious people can "comprehend" the release.
for the experts: bore the fuck out of everyone with your personal
experiences,
including the wonderful story of your trip to the PO box, finding the
CD,
putting it on the stereo, how ass-raped you felt afterwards, etc..
childhood
and college experiences are a bonus.

6) when listing merchandise in a catalog, always stress that it was
released on
a certain label. that is how most buttmunches determine what they're
going to
buy, and why many (if not most) catalogs are organized by label rather
than
alphabetically. at least 90% of your customers, especially those
living in
germany or new york, won't buy anything that isn't on tesco, stateart,
or
ant-zen. if the item comes from one of those labels, don't waste time
describing it. even if you say it sounds like abba, the trendies will
snatch it
up in an instant. but whatever merchandise you have from other labels
must be
relentlessly compared to merchandise from the abovementioned three if
you ever
hope to make a sale to these people. make sure they realize that
these other
releases, too, are limited to a laughably small and arbitrary number
of copies,
and are encased in some sort of fabric woven somewhere in the alps.
for the experts: never stock more than three copies of any item. if
you happen
to have more copies, pretend you only have three, and when those have
been sold,
joyously announce that you've "found an old box" somewhere containing
copies of
the item, and there are now three copies available for sale (again).
you can
keep doing this over and over, since no one really pays attention to
what you
say. once you've sold your last copy, keep the item in the catalog
but put
"SOLD OUT!" next to it, so everyone knows you were cool enough to have
copies
once.

7) if you consider yourself an "artist"/"musician"/whatever, and also
write for
or publish a magazine, hire a stooge. a stooge is someone who writes
reviews
for your magazine, but only of releases you were involved in. as much
as you'd
like to review your own boring releases, even you realize how pathetic
that
would be. nonetheless, many morons are fooled by the stooge routine.
astoundingly, of the ten or so releases given highest praise in each
issue, six
or more will be your projects. your tracks on compilations will be
lauded as
the highlights of those releases. you will be referred to as a legend
and a
genius. this will be done offhandedly, as if the reader already knows
what a
legend and a genius you are.
for the experts: honesty is the last thing you want in most reviews.
you are
part of a very touchy-feely, ass-patting "scene" where everybody has
to get
along. a lot of the stuff you review will come from people you have
personal
relations with. don't risk becoming a black sheep (or a "james
hanna") by
saying something sucks. you'll miss out on so much mutual scrotal
grooming, and
you might even be banned from playing in new york.

Cool your catalog should always be out of date. half to three quarters
of the
merchandise listed should be sold out, and new catalogs should be
printed as
infrequently as possible (once every three years is reasonable). this
applies
to any and all catalogs, even if they're nothing but a word-processed
list and
not a fucking phone book with illustrations or sporting a commissioned
cover
from a famous "scene" artist. the really cool people will be informed
of new
stock by email. everyone else will have to settle for ordering from
an ancient
catalog, and ending up with their fourth- or fifth-string alternates.
it's an
excellent method of getting rid of your least desirable stock.
for the experts: forget about reprinting your catalog ever again.
make it
accessible only to those belonging to your family of email list geeks,
via a
homosexually suggestive internet address. put it in .pdf format to
further
enhance the gayness factor.

9) when writing descriptions in a catalog, restocks or rereleases must
be
referred to as "seminal works," "milestones" and so on. a new release
is always
"their best work yet." when writing reviews, a new release will never
live up
to the obscure limited-to-20 demo/CDR/7" that first introduced you to
the group
and that no one will ever be able to find and use to refute your
claims.
for the experts: your customers are often extremely stupid, so feel
free to
provide nonsensical descriptions of your merchandise. for instance,
talk about
the "orchestral majesty" of a band whose entire instrumentation is a
keyboard.
or announce that you're releasing a double CD set containing "two live
concerts,
never before heard."

10) say you're the "sole american distributor" for certain items (even
if
they're unlimited pressings that any idiot can find in seven other
catalogs in
the US alone), then charge more for it than it would cost to buy it
direct from
europe.
for the experts: accept credit cards. it's gay, it's commercial, and
it fits
your image perfectly.


I THINK EVEN I'M GUILTY OF A COUPLE OF THESE

PART FOUR: THE WONDERFUL WORLD OF PUBLIC RELATIONS (how to run a
label, manage
your band's personal affairs, and properly indicate that your records
sell for
three digit prices on ebay)

or, as you would probably call it, TAKTIKAL PROTOKOL GOVERNING THEE
OPERATIONS
OV A LUKRATIVE ANARKO-KOLLEKTIVIST FOUNDATION IN THEE MODERN AGE OV
PROPAGANDA
DISSEMINATION VIA ELEKTRONIK CHANNELS, DETAILING ALL NECESSARY AKTIONS
PERTAINING TO THEE GENERATION OV KAPITAL AT A RATE RIVALING MANY LARGE
KOMMERCIAL BUSINESSES

1) those of you who run newly formed, small labels should post your
promo
bullshit five or six times to email lists in the span of ten seconds.
then post
the same shit again a day later, and again three days later. a week
later,
repeat the process.
for the experts: when you release some stupid 7" of a band no one
gives a shit
about, attach the rest of your idiotic back catalog at the bottom of
your
message. that way the names of the nobodies who've released stuff on
your label
become unconciously imprinted in peoples' minds, and people will be
more willing
to pay for their next release. don't forget to include your fifty
websites, and
all the stupid nicknames you've given yourself. your "sig line"
should be ten
times the size of your actual message.

2) another guideline for small labels: releases must be described
using at least
three words that have nothing to do with each other, so people will
think you're
offering something new and original. examples: "folk death
electronics," "cold
microwave techno," "ambient blood frequencies," "black machine
exploration."
for the experts: mention that the release features appearances by
twenty other
names no one's ever heard of (at least two of which are something like
"DJ
coagulate" or "MC strobelight").

3) if you are an established label, never post anything to email lists
yourself.
get a surrogate (usually a female) to post your label information for
you. the
information should be given after a nonchalant little statement like
"i realize
this is a list devoted to sutcliffe jugend, but i thought some of you
might be
interested in this," after which the surrogate proceeds to inform us
about an
upcoming "apocalyptic folk" triple LP compilation you plan to release
next year,
but which won't actually be released for another four years-- three
years and 11
months after it sells out. also, don't ever say what it will cost, as
this is
one of those "if you have to ask..." situations. all of this adds to
the air of
mystery about you, although you most likely do it because you can't
speak
english. if you cannot find a surrogate, just use your sister's email
account.
if you don't have a sister, use your social worker's email account.
whatever
you do, make sure the name of the bringer of news doesn't match the
name of the
email address used. in other words, people will receive a message
from "angela
hall" written and signed by someone whose name is neither angela nor
hall.
for the experts: in order to get your label firmly planted in the
"scene"
mythology, you must have quite a few long out-of-print 10" releases
and
compilations that no one ever fucking heard of til they appeared on
ebay. you
can do this by:
a) releasing your and your best friend's 15 projects,
sideprojects, and
incestuous collaborations
b) filling up several compilations with said projects and
sideprojects,
alongside many names that no one will ever see again because they're
just you
pretending to be some mysterious group.
c) releasing each in an ultra-limited edition of 62 copies, 60
of which you
will quickly sell to the old ladies at your grandmother's bingo club,
because
they feel sorry for "such a nice boy" who is obviously "between jobs"
(the other
two you will sell to some idiot in new york).

4) interview yourself in your own magazine. interview bands on your
label, too
(be sure to ask them how they got signed). rather than enclose fliers
of your
band and other of your label's bands with your magazine, give yourself
full-page
advertisements. everything should be described as a "collection of
dark hymns,
packaged in an immaculate silkscreened cloth binding designed by the
artist and
strictly limited to 121 copies."
for the experts: when you ask yourself to name your influences,
mention only
punk bands. you never listen to other bands who release similar stuff
as
yours.
people reading the interview will actually believe you were listening
to a clash
record when you hit upon the idea of layering samples of german
morticians over
a keyboard drone and some thumping noises, and that it's a fucking
accident that
all the "artists" on your label sound the same.

now that you've made a complete and total ass of yourself and annoyed
the fuck
out of everyone (especially me), your label has become famous and you
can
proceed to do whatever you want. seriously, you could start a new
sideproject
called NOVO HOMO and people would actually buy it! but in keeping
with
tradition regarding pompous asses in this business, you will stick to
the
following tried and true "scene" guidelines:

5) you are not a label, you are a "foundation," "organization," or
"kollektiv."
everything you do should be referred to as "operations." although
you've never
done anything significant in your life, let alone illegal, you can
easily cover
this up by saying you can't talk about your "operations" because of
"legal
issues."
for the experts: even though you are a shameless capitalist, provide a
list of
flaming pink leftist groups that you "support" (and which, of course,
have never
heard of or heard from you). then name all your songs after defunct
right-wing
groups.

6) fliers are just too low budget for you, so you print postcards.
and rather
than being a form of advertisement-- a humble offering of your product
to the
discriminating public-- they will be collectible items in their own
right. mail
them out to close friends and associates, charge money for them, put
them on
ebay, etc.
for the experts: if you're from europe, you will always have a guy
with a sock
over his head on your advertisements. if you're not from europe,
you'll have to
settle for a skull (and fewer sales).

7) if you are from germany, austria, or switzerland, you have no sense
of humor,
and your "operations" will always reflect this. if you are from
scandinavia,
you consider americans too stupid to understand your jokes. if you're
british,
you're always friendly despite being in a bad mood. if you're
american, french,
or eastern european, you will pretend to be german. if you're
japanese, you're
no longer considered "cutting edge" enough. if you're italian, you
will babble
("hypertrophic chloromaxillar labia transgressing heteromantic thought
processes, freeze frame genitalia retrovinyl praxis alluvial
8-millimetre
novocaine deoxyribosexual matriculation" etc.). if you're from
anywhere else,
no one gives a shit about you so don't even bother starting a band.
for the experts: do something really fucking stupid involving
cultures you know
nothing about. for instance, if you're from switzerland, release a CD
of czech
folk guitar with vocals in spanish. if the cultures are far enough
away, such
as greenland or indonesia, you can simply find a village, record old
people
mumbling, and release it as a CD (under your name, of course). if you
can't
come up with anything like this, just collaborate with some fucking
useless cunt
like jarboe or rose mcdowall.

Cool don't answer your email more than once every month, and certainly
never
answer label-related questions posted to email lists of which you are
a member
(unless the question is "i want to buy several double 10"s, where do i
send my
money?"... in such cases, answer the question, but use a surrogate).
this gives
the illusion that you're off doing something important, or perhaps
dealing with
"legal issues," while giving you plenty of time to silkscreen 121
burlap sacks
in preparation for your next release.
for the experts: every few months, hire another surrogate to post to
various
email lists to ask what your email address and phone number are.

9) always, whether in press releases or conversation or wherever,
remind
everyone that on your newest release you are "exploring" (pick one or
more of
the following):
time
mortality
immortality
information
propaganda
the human experience
life
death
control
"cultural terrorism"
various enigmas
ritual "magick"
the sonorities of your girlfriend's voice
soundscapes of dark electronic textures
landscapes of cold electronic textures
synthscapes of harsh electronic textures
painscapes of bleak electronic textures
or try to come up with something equally stupid of your own. go
ahead, you've
got plenty of time.
for the experts: announce your soon to be published book, which
"examines" in
great detail the above concepts, as well as your "philosophy" (as if
you have
one). it will, of course, be published by somebody on the west coast
of the
USA, where all the fuckin freaks live.

and finally, the best tried and true method of getting your
forgettable releases
to sell for three digit prices on ebay:

10) put your releases up for three digit prices on ebay. really,
that's all you
have to do. the average moron will, after seeing these releases a few
times on
ebay with three digit price tags, come running to bid three digits!
they figure
it must be worth that much because:
a) they've never seen it before, so it must be a super-limited
edition
b) the only times they've seen it, it's up on ebay for three
digits
of course, you have to grab their attention first. so, ath eyethpark
would
thay, "here ith what your lithting thould look like" (pick one):
option A: [name] [format] ltd [number] [color] BLUTHARSCH!
option B: [name] [format] BOX ltd [number] RARE ant-zen
option C: v/a [format] ltd [number] RARE tesco JOYAUX!
don't worry, you won't get sued by any of the above names, they're too
busy
dealing with "legal issues" already. although they might ask you for
a
collaboration.
for the experts: to get this racket working, start off by "selling"
several
copies of the release to your friends/associates/etc. for example,
let's say
klaus wants to sell a few of his new double LP compilations (called
"sieg homo
anthems uber resistancia hoxha l'existence") on ebay. so that the
average
dark-electro-post-industro-noise bidder knows that this is a very
valuable item,
klaus's friend helmut volunteers to meet the reserve price of $400 the
first
couple of times around, although it is understood that no money or
merchandise
will actually change hands (helmut's got copies of his own anyway, he
was on the
record). after this, klaus is home free, the money rolls in, and he
and his
boyfriend otto can finally afford AIDS medication.


GUILTY (UNANIMOUS VERDICT)

PART FIVE: HOW TO ARRANGE CONCERTS, "FESTIVALS," OR OTHER "EVENTS"
(at which
you can set up a table and sell items for three digits, thus bypassing
ebay)

since this topic should only be tackled by seasoned "scene" experts, i
have for
the present discussion dispensed with the usual format of
non-expert/expert
divisions within each rule. if you have yet to master the principles
and
behaviors laid out in the first four sets of rules, do yourself a
favor and go
back to them now before reading further. in other words, if you are
not yet a
pretentious ass with a useless band, label, magazine, catalog, and
ridiculous
image, or if you still don't know how to silkscreen a 10" piece of
burlap, this
is not for you. come back when you're gay enough to handle it.

now that we've got the amateurs out of the way, we shall begin...

SECTION A: PRE-FESTIVAL PREPARATIONS, A.K.A. THEE WAY TOWARDS THEE
CREATION OV
THEE BLESSED ALTAR THAT AWAITS THEE ARRIVAL OV THEE GREEN GOD, IN SUCH
WAYS THAT
BE PLEASING TO HIM, AND IN HARMONY WITH THEE WAY OV THEE KOLLEKTIV
WHOLE

1) the lineup. 35 different "bands" will play, made up of only about
three
people total. obviously for this to be possible you will need to
invite some
europeans to "participate" in your festival. europeans have an
interesting
culture, part of which is not being able to make up their fucking
minds what
their band is called. this results in each european having at least
nine or ten
bands of his own. so pick a good set of several europeans, mix and
match
collaborations (they are prone to these, it's like a disease, they
can't put out
two fucking albums under the same name, they have to find a buddy to
team up
with and start a new band each time they release a record), and you
can have
thousands of bands available to play at your festival! of course this
would be
a bit unwieldy, but as most of these alter egos refuse to appear live
(like i
said, it's an interesting culture), you will end up with a nice figure
like 35
bands, and only 3 plane tickets to pay. your festival is off to a
wonderful
start!

2) the name. by this time you should have come up with a name for
your event.
if you haven't, simply do some research into past "scene" activity to
find out
what other festivals have been called. then simply mix and match
words until
you create your own unique name that sounds like all the others. too
lazy to do
that? just use some or all of the following:
death
dead
deadly
deathly
festival
action
actions
organs
missing
electronics
cold
power

words foreign to the country in which you are holding your event are a
bonus.
and as always in this "scene," gibberish is not only acceptable, but
generally
preferable.

3) the website, a.k.a. the bait-and-switch. now no festival would be
in tune
with our modern digital age without an entire website devoted to it.
so it's
time to get online and make yourself a nice internet advertisement,
complete
with blurry pictures and flashing text. the basic information will
probably go
something like this:

Les Cold Deadly Organs Festival: A Celebration Ov European Power
Electronics
wednesday, february 22nd @ The Container in San Diego
brought to you by thee yho-wij-izh-GAAYH kollektiv
in conjunction with thee hole of glory foundation

featuring:
**ai em kwir (harsh homo-noise electronix)
**les joyaux de la princesse (anthems for the dishonorably discharged
from WWII)
**albin julius and the nothing good ever came out of switzerland
quintet
(WWI-era hymns from extremely unimportant kountries)
**boyd rice and shmoigl chaimlwitzenbergenblumblattstein (playing
selektions
from nazi march music 78s)
**chod-aholiyk (rituall esthetiks and manifestations of male-male
sexual
energy)
**cazzodio (rhythmic vibrations of apocalyptic magnitude)
**anenzephalia (cookie cutter tesco electronics)
**inade (oppressively sleep-inducing sonics and photonics)
**khumh-coh tidh-tonn-sylz (SPECIAL ONE-TIME PERFORMANCE!! bend over
and take
it electronics)
**con-dom + grey wolves + resistance + manifesto + libertad
(propaganda
dissemination for the politically confused)
**peter sotos (reading texts for the sexually omnidirectional)
**eugenics council featuring howard stern (children playing with their
own feces
electronics)
**genocide organ (ebonics)

go ahead and include bands that don't fit the theme of the festival
(i.e. not
powerelectronic, not european, heterosexual). in fact, feel free to
include
bands that have no intention of showing up, or had no idea you said
they would.
you can even make up names, as no one in attendance will know when one
act
begins or ends since it's always two of the same three guys on stage.

4) the announcement. now it's time to let other
dark-electro-post-industro-noisers know about this "imminent event"
via email
list spam. make sure you start your message with a catchy phrase like
"stop
press!" or "achtung!" then direct everyone to the previously created
website
and inform them of the location of the nearest ticketmaster outlet.
tickets
are, of course, non-refundable, even if the only decent band slated
doesn't show
up.

SECTION B: WHEN, UPON THEE ARRIVAL OV THEE GREEN GOD, THOU ART INTENT
UPON
CHANNELLING HIM MOST GRACEFULLY INTO THY POCKET-ALTAR, THAT HE MAY
THUS JOIN HIS
BROTHERS PREVIOUSLY CHANNELLED VIA THEE RIGHTEOUS METHOD OV THEE
TICKETMASTER
OUTLET, AND ARE THUS IN NEED OV A SIMILARLY RIGHTEOUS PROTOKOL FOR
THEE
IMPLEMENTATION AND ASSURANCE OV SUCCESS OV THY ENDEAVOR

5) the setup. here it is, the big day! make sure you're dressed for
success.
put on a crisp, unworn t-shirt of some german band. arrive late and
make
everyone wait for you while you tramp around trying to look busy.
send someone
out to look for bottled water for the europeans. better yet, complain
that you
haven't eaten all day even though you live about 15 minutes from the
venue, then
order pizza. meanwhile, set up that table! whip out yer old
limited-to-tens,
polish up those fake ammunition tins and gas canisters, line up those
10"s, and
get ready to smile (or nod, or smirk) at a lot of idiots. this is the
day
you've been saving up for. hell, bring along your entire collection
in a metal
trunk. the stuff you're not selling will make you look cool and bring
people
over to talk to you and try to pretend that they own the stuff, too.

6) the fat fags. be careful not to offend any fat fags. yeah,
they'll probably
be sitting outside somewhere where they don't need their earplugs,
talking about
prog rock records instead of enjoying con-dom's performance, but these
are the
cyber-geek literati who'll be gabbing about your "festival" on the
tumorshit in
a couple of days. if you ever want to do this again, you'll need
their moral
support.

7) the dj. if no one's doing anything, start spinning some of your
label's
records.

SECTION C: POST-FESTIVAL OPERATIONS, A.K.A. REAPING THEE FRUITS OV
THEE HARVEST,
SO THAT THEE AND THINE MAY LIVE IN PERPETUAL BOUNTY NOW AND
FOREVERMORE VIA THEE
INTERMITTENT MILKING OV THEE SURPRISINGLY PERSISTENT PHALLUS OV THEE
DEAD GOAT

Cool the cleanup. remember, an event such as this never dies. first
come the
wieners who attempt to review everything, always forgetting half the
band names
and other important details because they were outside in the fucking
hallway the
whole time. not that it matters if they paid attention, because 90%
of their
reviews' content is focused on their feelings, inside jokes, and
homoerotic
suggestion, after which they blow off the last band or two because
they had to
go home to bed early after too many fruity chick drinks. after they
post their
reviews, post a nice big "thank you to everyone who came out (of the
closet) and
participated in our festival" along with an anecdote or two about what
part of
your record collection the europeans were impressed with when you took
them home
after the show (i.e. your hasselhoff sings kristoffersson LP with
steel plate
cover).

9) the rehash. next comes the limited-to-36-copies multi-cassette set
(in empty
NATO-issue KY tube with red silk banderole) purporting to represent
the
"festival", yet featuring only four of the 30 or so bands that played.
this
item only shows up in two places:
a) ebay
b) catalogs, right next to the words "SOLD OUT!"

10) the last gasp. when those are gone, you can start selling posters
for $20
on ebay. no one will question the utility of these posters. no one
will say
"what the fuck did you have posters for? who in the fuck hears about
a
powerelectronics concert by seeing posters on a local telephone
pole?!?" this
is because everyone knows damn well that the posters were made for the
exclusive
purpose of being sold for $20 on ebay.


GUILTY GUILTY GUILTY

PART SIX: HOW TO LOOK LIKE A VERITABLE TREASURE TROVE OF USELESS YET
IMPORTANT
ESOTERIC KNOWLEDGE (a.k.a. how to act like you're still an english,
art, or
music major when you're no longer in college, and use these activities
to boost
your ebay sales to three digits per item)

1) make sure your band name is impossible to pronounce, and lifted
from a source
so obscure not even your best friends could figure out where you came
up with
it. simple methods of doing this:
a) pick up one of the many bottles on your bathroom shelf,
then reverse the
name of the product or one of its ingredients and add dashes between
words.
examples: "sredluohs-dna-deah," "%13000.0-lomatecanehpolcyc". if this
still
doesn't look esoteric enough, add h's to the end of each word or next
to most of
the consonants. examples: "avlevh-auqah,"
"ehtahflhus-lyhrhualh-mhuinhomhmha."
add umlauts to taste. this is the method of choice among rhythmic
and/or
beat-oriented groups, when they're not naming themselves something
unbelievably
inane like "iron halo device."
b) choose four consonants, at least one of which is "k", or
three consonants
and a vowel, and capitalize them. examples: "KFDA," "DKMV," "NKTO."
as soon as
you do this, your telephone will ring. at the other end will be a
german with
an offer to release your first two 10"s.
c) if your band sounds like death in june, and/or if you have
a habit of being
confused as to which major world war you're talking about, you may
wish to
choose a band name consisting of a four-letter word followed by an
exclamation
point. examples: "JUIF!," "JUDE!," "HOMO!"
d) when choosing a name for an appearance on your colleague's
"Scheisskunst"
triple LP compilation (said name to be discarded immediately
thereafter), take
english words and "germanize" them by replacing "c"s with "k"s and
normal
english word-endings with "heit," "keit," or "ung." examples:
"kollektivkeit
attackung parameterheit," "klanheit meetingung." if this doesn't
sound annoying
enough, rearrange some syllables or just invent words. examples:
"pidstuheit
keitvokal fekeft," "dekenften manheit hohenlotz." one vowel, chosen
at random,
should receive an umlaut.
e) take two- or three-letter senseless syllables containing
several vowels,
"h"s, or "x"s, and put hyphens between them. examples: "ahh-oh-oa,"
"io-eht-xx-iaa." on special occasions (such as the release of your
third
"work"), one vowel, chosen at random, should receive an umlaut.
f) if you are a "neo-folk" group, and don't wish to be
hindered by the
suggestion in part c, you may wish to consider choosing a very long
band name.
this is generally in the form of a sentence describing a past event.
examples:
"the wind blew hard in the woods while i did the same to my
boyfriend," "i cried
as the mountains sighed over the spring fields," "wolves were silent
as i
questioned my sexuality while the moon gazed at my shriveled
genitalia," "most
of my family died in a concentration camp."
for the experts: try to keep the names of your band, sideprojects,
and label as
short as possible, so that you can cram all of them into an ebay
listing title.
if you followed the guidelines in part f, use an acronym, i.e.
TWBHITWWIDTSTMB,
ICATMSOTSF, WWSAIQMSWTMGAMSG, or MOMFDIACC.

2) dedicate a release to a faggot photographer or painter, i.e. "the
mapplethorpe ep."
for the experts: focus on the unimportant, especially when it comes
to
historical figures. you find WWII fascinating? find out the name of
stalin's
tailor and devote an entire album to him. compilations should be
named after
journalists, film makers, and other nauseating scum rather than the
leaders and
generals they wrote about or filmed.

3) intend your vinyl releases to be heard at a particular speed, but
never give
the slightest indication what it is.
for the experts: release several full-length LPs, but choose one at
random and
call it a 12"

4) become a chronic collaborator. this is a great way of creating a
shroud of
mystery around your otherwise unremarkable self. each release you're
involved
in has a new name and is done in concert with a new partner in
stupidity.
eventually even you can't keep track of your own "work", so when
anyone comes to
you looking for information, you're forced to give them a very vague,
esoteric
answer. practice saying things like "he who seeks shall find" and
"cold meat
was selling copies three years ago, i suggest you ask roger if he has
any left."
for the experts: your label (which should really be called something
like "Geld
Durch Scheisse" but is probably called something like "Taktikal Order
Ov
Produktiv Operations Foundation") consists of a group of bands who
sound exactly
the same, and who probably contain exactly the same members. should
you have
the opportunity to release something that sounds slightly different,
don't do it
on your label. you must start a new "side-label" for this purpose.

5) make sure your band "features members of" at least two other
groups, at least
one of which has had releases on tesco or loki, and at least one of
which has a
name that is a meaningless jumble of syllables no one would ever find
in any
european language, not even finnish. by the way, if you happen to be
finnish,
there's no reason for you to read these rules. you're already so
fucking weird
no one knows what the fuck you're talking about, ever. and unless
you've done a
split with grunt, it's unlikely anyone's heard your stuff either.
for the experts: occasionally do a gig at a club with a gay name like
"the
landfill," "the black box," "the package," or "the used condom." each
time,
refer to it either as "live aktion" number somethingorother, or
"special
one-time performance!!!!" if there are multiple members of your band,
make sure
a few of them don't appear at the show.

6) in the packaging for one or more of your releases, include a four-
or
five-line bit of poetic prose dealing with one or more of the
following:
the plague
darkness
the stars
the spheres
deep caverns
the void
the abyss
the partridge family
"cultural terrorism"
"magickal aestheticks"
make sure to put it in quotes, even though you wrote it. that's what
makes it
so esoteric-- your fans will be searching for the source for the rest
of their
lives.
for the experts: pretend you know about science-- any kind of
science. use
words like "eutectic" and "wavefunction." let your listeners know
that you are
one of the erudite few who grasp the connection between one or all of
the above
topics and "theoreticall physicks" or "biokhemikall reaktion
mekhanisms."

7) if you're an american, always have at least one long
german-sounding word as
a song title, like "schlischlichtanzschreckenkeit." this will help
you break
into the seamy pseudo-goth underbelly of the "industrial scene." this
"scene"
is full of listeners who find the german language indescribably
frightening, yet
arousing in a masochistic, extremely homosexual way. the more
adventurous among
them often branch out into what they call "dark ambient power
electronics"
(which is, of course, neither darkambient nor powerelectronics), where
they may
find nonsensical song titles like "death pvlse" amidst gratuitous use
of latin.
for the experts: one good way to remain incoherent and/or cover up
your
stupidity while rambling on forever is to write shitloads of liner
notes in a
language very few of your buyers understand. include a few pictures
of statues
and perhaps a rune or two, so no one gets bored.

Cool effective use of jargon (the emperor's new robe) is important here.
if your
stuff sounds like mid-range static with occasional thumping, call it
"crushing
power electronics." remove the static and it becomes "ritual
ambient." if it
sounds like folk music played by AIDS-ridden homosexuals, call it "an
exposition
of pan-europa." if it sounds like nothing's going on, refer to
"minimal
microtonal variations." if someone's painfully honking a horn on your
record,
call it "an eclectic fusion of jazz, classical, and electronic music."
if you
have no idea what the fuck you're doing, wrap it in rice paper, tie it
up with
twine made from saguaro cacti, and call it "an artifact."
for the experts: release a CD containing "different kinds of
silence." how
exciting.

9) it's important to remember that you, as a respected pillar of the
"scene,"
are approached with pre-set assumptions as to your intelligence and
possession
of esoteric knowledge. in other words, you're given the benefit of
the doubt.
if you do something that makes no sense, rather than assume you're an
idiot,
most dark-electro-post-industro-noisers will try to understand why
you've done
it, in order to be more like you. over time, if enough of these
sheep-like
wienerboys imitate you, you will earn the awe-inspiring title of
"originator" of
whatever particular idiocy you pioneered. so go ahead and release a
45rpm
double 10" set instead of an LP, and call it "Mussolini" even though
your band's
name is "CCCP." you have my sincere assurance that no one will have
the brains
or the guts to call you a fucking moron.
for the experts: remember that the key to being esoteric is to leave
your
listeners with as many unanswered questions as possible. some common
questions
the inexperienced dark-electro-post-industro-noise consumer may ask
include:
"these guys are homosexual jews, so why do they have a
totenkopf on their
record cover?"
"the press release said this was powerelectronics, so why
doesn't it have
vocals... and why does it sound like techno?"
"the artwork is archival war photographs, so why is the music
just some cunt
singing about crops while some pantywaist strums a lute?"
"why the fuck is boyd rice on this compilation?"
once they start asking these questions, it won't be long before they
begin to
believe that the best way to find the answers is to buy more of your
releases.

10) you need a press release, of course. here are several possible
tacks (these
are by no means the only options):
a) the ingenious explorer of new realms of electronic music.
the new trend
here is to make a recording using digital files from your computer,
and pretend
that a million people haven't done this already. a more traditional
press
release would look something like this: "[your name here] is an
oft-mentioned
name in higher circles of experimental electronic and computer music,
working
for the past 20 years with the likes of [names of other artfags here].
on this
release, [your name] has chosen to work with the intricacies of
inaudible
sound.
processed field recordings, homemade instruments, and a sprinkling of
electronics are woven into subtly nuanced microtonal structures that
defy
description... to grasp inaudibility, one must truly grasp the
audible... the
audibility of sound is simply the expression of interior motion, and
as motion
is feeling, and feeling is found only in the spaces between objects,
and objects
are found only in the spaces between spaces, this is a music that
explores the
vastness of space, as well as the dichotomy between interior and
exterior
foundations of inaudibility... the dynamics of satellite rotation,
decaying
weathervanes, the crickets chirping in a bathroom stall at a rest stop
in
tucson, all these express sonorities channeled through and beyond our
audible
experience. this record, like a sum of nothings, equals something
more than
nothing. a private edition of 44 copies with hand-written songtitles
in
dirt-smeared sandpaper covers and signed by the artists, each record
is unique.
we have three copies for sale."
b) the erudite prophet who bringeth light in the form of
limited vinyl
releases. this is when your music sucks so bad that even the
collectors won't
buy your shit unless you release it in several tiny batches of
different colored
vinyl. your press release is either some sort of drivel like: "this
album
details the life and times of cornelius faust-bismarck, an 18th
century belgian
alchemist and reincarnator who successfully channeled the spirit of
nostradamus
before being beheaded without trial in 1798... this green vinyl LP
contains an
exclusive track not found on the purple, pink, or yellow pressings,
along with a
booklet of faust-bismarck's treatises," or an absolutely laughable and
audacious
description like: "traditional bulgarian arrangements of strings and
percussion
create a frightening backdrop for the enchanting dual vocals of [your
mother's
name] and [your name]. lyrics are adapted from croatian marching
anthems.
strictly limited to 167 copies, these will never be repressed.
special bonus 7"
included with the first 18 copies."
c) the harbinger of the apocalypse. this is when your music
is too simple to
be considered a "work," too sloppy to be darkambient, too weak to be
considered
harsh noise, lacks the focus of powerelectronics, yet can still make a
tumorlist
member shit his panties. since "boring, derivative mid-range snoozery
in the
gruntsplatter style" doesn't sound very appealing, your press release
shall be
of the form: "crushing dark evil power electronics and black noize
from the new
undisputed master of sickening rhythms and torturous cavernous black
death
torture! bow down as the masterful black ambient noize crushes your
feeble body
and the darkness of death steals your soul. this shit is so sick and
crushing
it will make your blood jump out of your veins and attack you and make
you beg
to die. we mean it, this is sickening torturous BLACK AMBIENT DEATH
NOIZE from
the caverns of hell. this will fuck you up for good! released in a
video box
in a limited edition of 100 copies because if we released any more,
the world
would come to an end!!!!!"
d) the distinguished purveyor of fine goods. some labels
behave as though they
were selling not music, but caviar. caviar is very expensive, comes
in very
small quantities, and is sold to a very small group of consumers.
what's more,
it's not really for eating, but for show-- most people who've tried it
hate its
taste, so they just serve it to party guests, and the common people
would never
have heard of it if it weren't for the rich people who talk about
eating it so
that everyone will realize that they're rich. am i confusing you
here? in
plain english, then: release only 7" picture discs limited to 40 or
so copies.
the music on the 7"s doesn't matter-- in fact, you can press absolute
silence
onto them or just airbrush your design over a bee gees

Citation : Payer un groupe qui te passe des samples de la seconde guerre, derriere des murs de bruits blancs sur des paroles inaudibles pour 300€, c'est vraiment pas mon truc.

Citation : Quand je vais chez Virgin, j'aime savoir que je vais trouver O-ZONE dans la catégorie

Citation : De plus dans l'absolu moins il y a des exemplaires mieux c'est

Citation : Des noms ??? (le label inv ol ?)